MORNING MAD-NESS!

OK! since im darn free now, i decided to post in today's journal.... (laughs).





lets talk about today's 'event'...



slept at early 3 plus and woke up at 9.30. great?!... was damn tired... today was my first day at work in my new workplace at Sepang Bedok. it was cool. very nice place though. haha. worked from 12-3. it was busy but not as busy as in Brunch. now, im damn sleepy and tired. haha. 2 hours spent on journey time! its ok with me! SOBS. my left knee-cap hurts. doesnt even know why. maybe its because i keep standing? or maybe im getting 'old'. oh my!... WILL KEEP MY WORKING SPIRIT UP! work it out! TOTALLY SHAGGED!







& the moment i've been waiting for... my love story...





i dont know whether do i count it as the 3rd day or the 4th day that im living without you. but something you did today, pissed me off.. way off.... i arranged to meet you after my work but you told me that you dont know whether you wanna go out or not, because you dont feel like?? unfortuately, i seen a message that totally brought my mood down, " hmm today i maybe not going out, thought of going town but Felicia dont want, hahas. " what is this? one moment telling me that you are not feeling good enough to go out and another moment telling me you want to go town with Felicia. what's really going on? at times, i felt so in love. at times, i felt that you're just, SCARY, again. im really confused! for instance, you quarrelled & almost fight with your mother for the White Lily that i bought for you. even though, it had already withered, you still want to keep it as a memory. to be honest, IM REALLY TOUCHED! though the fact, your mother had thrown it down the building. hmmm.

last night, in the middle of night, you messaged me. though the fact i was about to sleep but i felt that you need somebody to talk to. so we chatted on the phone. i dont understand why you keep saying Sorry for letting me know about your family issues. but there's something i would want to say, its really ok. believe me. though the fact we are no longer steads but we were once together. dont know why but yesterday before i sleep, i had the urge to call you Baby again. in the message you sent and said "baby, are you gonna stop calling me baby anymore? i really miss you too. my mum had already thrown the lily away. sorry, even if the lily had died, i also want to keep it." but i was already asleep. regretted that i couldnt reply it. in appox. 30 mins later, you dropped me another message, " i will leave to fate whether we can patch or not, alright? i dont wanna force you or what. good night." when i woke up and read it, i felt that i'm being too stubborn. but think about it again, its not that i want it this way. its just that i couldnt do it. its really tough.. i really want to give you a hug again. i really wish i can really call you baby again. but overall, i just couldnt accept what you had done to me. what you had did in the past with your EXs, aint my business at all. you meant alot to me once. but now, im too afraid to even make a step forward again. what if, its a dead end ahead??





SO GONE!

EVERYTHING WAS A BIG MISTAKE

today at work, everything went wrong. my manager is just there to pick on me whether be it is related to me or not. fuck it totally. i was very pissed! being the SENIOR of casual labourer. and yet it wasnt appreciated! thats so fucked up!




ALSO TODAY.....


i received messages from you. i dont know whether is it meant to be good or not. but its already the 3rd day im living without you. each day seems so tough and miserable. telling myself im not gonna be EMOtional about it anymore but i just couldnt. i cant HATE you because you are someone i LOVE. i really wish to call you baby again. i really wish i can call you or see messages, saying that you miss me. but worst still, i kept hearing 'stories' about you. it just keep haunting me down. COOKIE MONSTER! it just reminds me of you. im utterly hurt to the max. but i couldnt cry. it really hurts. worst still, not able to cry. I WANNA TELL YOU THAT I MISS YOU MUCH! there's alot of things i want to tell you. but can I?

THE DAYS HAVE GONE!

this couple of days, there's alot of things happening which you neither know how to salvage nor control it. but what can i say? practically, NOTHING! i just felt so dumb to believe in something that i shouldnt have. after giving a 3rd chance and yet it wasnt appreciated. i keep questioning myself, why am i still concern about you? what do 'you' have to do with me? but i just want the best for you even we have broken up. like even when we met up to return my stuffs to me, i just wished to give you a hug and request for a patch. but it was my thinkings that kept me away from it. SIGH!... why Promise when you cannot fulfil it?!


I LOVE YOU STILL..


talked about sat, hmmm. great birthday c'bration though. it proceeded the way we planned! cool...
happy birthday Vanessa!

I MAY NOT HAVE DONE THIS

being able to hear you say " I Love you", really does melts my heart. but the fact is that, is already the second time. ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY. have you actually think before you actually do something? i start to wonder, am i just 'bluffing' myself? i really want to forgive you but its not as easy as i think i could. even if i say : " i dont want to care about you at all!". but can i actually do so? no. because i love you... its because i somehow still believe you are still that Pure White Lily. Roy has been guilty upon since he told me about you and begged me to forgive you. he still cares for your well-being. each time i hear things about you, my heart just shattered into pieces. UTTERLY DISAPPOINTED! but sometimes i know that i cannot lie to myself is that i know I LOVE YOU and I WILL STILL FORGIVE YOU. but how many times more? i didnt go to work because im sick. but its just seems wrong to me. i 'think' even more. i dont want to make a decision that i will regret. but neither do i wish to see you hurting yourself. sigh! why am i still so concern about you?? i couldnt be angry but i felt that pain in me that i couldnt explain.


GIVE ME A REASON WHY?

its been awhile.

i have walked on so many paths. but wherever or when, i 'walk' on, it just seems to me like it has been a dead-end to me again. i have tried so hard to tell myself that things isnt the way i think it is. for instance, i always wonders how is Fer doing? but i just kept on wondering but i just dont dare to ask her "how are you doing?"

next, when you met someone you love, should you really hold it on? i will just ask myself why do you ask yourself that? because i dont dare to take risk after since you joke or (a little meaner), flirt with em... well, i find it really tough to understand what you are thinking at times. i have this thinking nowadays, are you really mine? or am i sharing it with someone else? i know its unfair to think it this way but i just couldnt stop it.

today(monday 21st july), i was very quiet when i went to work. maybe its because im not feeling well... it was raining throughout the whole afternoon and the amount of customers were.... little... so as usual, me, as a casual labourer, will definitely be sent home early. haha. not good anyway. 4pm to be precise, just that 4 hrs. sigh!... not working out well. i called up baby, roy and messaged edgar. somehow arranged to meet roy at 4.45pm, ended up waiting for an hour plus. was bored! so i did some window shopping. but when i walked past a florist, i saw white lilies. OMG! hard to find it at certain florist shops. so without any hesitation, i bought one stalk. cost about 6? i know i was crazy at the point of time because i dont know what i wanna do with it. but when i had it on my hand, it reminds me of baby, being the white lily. hahaha! so i messaged baby and tell him that i bought something lame and i wanna give it to him. well, i know im troublesome but i dont have the choice but to re-arrange the point to meet with roy at Redhill station instead. because i have to go over to baby's place to pass it to him. haha. funny!

before arriving at Redhill, as i was in the train, i saw this guy staring blankly at me. maybe because im holding the Lily? haha. who cares? before i reach baby's place, baby called and he actually rushed to meet me. haha. funny though. but i love the surprise and the suspense he gave when i held the Lily at my back. but it wasnt as happy or surprise i thought i will be. it seems distant between us somehow. why? what am i afraid of? was allowing him to St. James to club is bothering me? hmm.. friends told me that it was a wrong move because i might lose him to others. sigh. what am i thinking....!?